Completely

Lately I have been dealing with so many emotions as we have really gotten more involved in this process of getting our foster license. I kept myself from reading blogs and stories about the topic until I knew we had made the decision to walk this path. Why? I didn't want to be influenced by the sweet stories of a family being completed or one with pictures of happy children of all ages and race. I didn't want to read about the hurt and tears that come along with getting attached to these children and then sending them back into an environment where you know they deserve so much better. I didn't want to hear about the stress that it causes on your own children and the hurt they will have to face as well. I wanted my head and heart clear to really know that this is God's plan for my family. 

So now that I have allowed myself to read all these things I am swept in a whirlwind of emotions. Little did my sister in law know what I was dealing when she sent me this article. She didn't know the day before Keith and I talking about allowing our hearts to be totally opened to these children. Loving them would not be enough. They would need our hearts. How do you do that? I can love with the best out there but I would not want to love a child with restraints on my heart. I don't want them to sense that I am not completely here with them. How to give your heart away and know you will be in tears over the pain of losing them. Grieving for a child? How do you do that? I think I focused so much on what I could do and forgot the simple thing they would need. Me completely. Please don't misunderstand where I am coming from or what I am meaning. I am in this for them. To be the arms of God that wrap around them and love them even when they think they don't want it. But I worry that something I heard in one our classes might cause me to not give myself away completely. I found myself saying we are just here for the in between time to help these kids while their parent(s) are getting the help they need. But I don't want that to cause a barrier between me and these kids. I want to see them as my own children. To love unconditionally with no fear of losing them. I know this is something I will learn over time but I want to love these children with the same love my Saviour has for me. No barriers, no limits, as great as the heights are the heavens above the earth. (Psalm 103:11) 

Ephesians 3:17-18Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.